his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I wish there were birth control emojis
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
