ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
