I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
