I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
