last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
