forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
