She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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