I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
