Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
