Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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