So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
