she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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