my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
