did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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