My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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