I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
