You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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