My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
