the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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