I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
