If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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