Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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