I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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