tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
sarcasm needs its own font
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
