I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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