I can text with my tongue
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
well you can't waste a boner
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
