Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
