The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
