it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
