Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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