I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
