we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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