My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
These tits shall not be calmed
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
