I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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