He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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