You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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