She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
