Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
