when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You are the jesus of drinking
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
