Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
