This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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