I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
