I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
someone owes me an orgasm
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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