I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
