I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
