you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
