Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
