Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
