I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
