my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
