...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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