You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
