she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
