I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
